A group of coworkers have confessed to hiring a hitman to eliminate a colleague who frequently used phrases like “It’s the new normal, eh” around the office.
The workers, who admitted to pooling their money together, say they were driven to the edge after months of enduring pandemic clichés and vaccine reminders from the now-deceased Johnathan Osama, 38.
“We tried everything—psychiatric help, HR mediation, even an intervention party,” said Mr. Robert Teriyaki, who asked to remain anonymous. “But he just wouldn’t stop. Every Monday it was ‘Boosters, guys?’ and every Zoom call ended with ‘Stay safe in the new normal!’”
In an unexpected twist, the hired hitman reportedly waived his fee out of personal sympathy, stating “No one should have to suffer that many corporate catchphrases.”
Police say the group appeared remorseful, but also strangely relieved. Authorities are currently investigating the office culture for signs of “extreme buzzword fatigue.”
